6.2.10

this song hit me like a small feather in a light breeze.

"he is jealous for me" - john mark mcmillian
its quite intriguing to me.
merely speaking the word sends a barrage of tainted ideals into my head.
jealousy.
its a heavy word.

ive been called jealous before. in high school i dated a girl that was way out of my league. it still amazes me that she didn't see me for the weirdo i was. besides the fact that she was a ten and i was somewhere between laughable and mostly avoided, she was also two years ahead of me in school. on a different campus even the whole first year we were together.
id sit in geometry class thinking about her and the elaborate con id created, hatching up schemes to appear charming and mature. all the while, luring the target closer and closer until…. well, i never got that far. ladies, just so you know, that is how we work at that age, and beyond for many males. we cannot understand what a real relationship with a female looks like until the hormones stop surging through our strange little bodies long enough for us to sit down and read the sacred text that is Captivating. haha. i actually have a friend whos girlfriend broke up with him after reading that book, which i think is beyond hilarious.
but really, we are horny and stupid. especially at that age. you have been warned.
my jealousy was juvenile, rooted in insecurities and distrust. but for my God to say he is jealous for me and my affections… thats profound.
it wasnt my self-sacrificing, unconditional love that made me a jealous boyfriend, it was the deep love for myself that saw a relationship with her as an opportunity to build my ego and then protect it at all costs.
hosea is jealous for gomer though, time and time again, she commits adultery. the bride/bridegroom relationship between Creator and created blows right over my head when i try to push the metaphor, but this i get. this is the most beautifully simple concept in creation. this is redemption.
to be honest, when i first heard that song, he loves us, i dismissed it. i was at the lobo theatre in albuquerque and kristian stanfield was preforming that night. i imagination took it as the timid ramblings of a hippy-turned-christian that was no longer allowed to cover songs like, "all you need is love", now that he was a church member. i could see him singing it on a white stage with pastel flowers and peace signs. oh and a rainbow.
the new derek webb album came out that week and i was in this "the church sucks at doing church and i suck at being a christian"-kind of mood as a result of it, so this song hit me like a small feather in a light breeze.
i was like,"really? thats the best you've got? that didn't even begin to discipline me or tear me down! hahahahaha! "
only God is not honored in our constant self-deprecation.
being bold is just submitting to the ocean of love we are sinking in.
that is the meat of our faith.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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